turn of the century bgp.

I found this DC "trading card" in a book when I was reorganizing my bookshelf. Check out my awesome Microsoft Paint editing job to mask the huge, garish DC logo and "three sixty flip" caption. Anyway, this is some classic turn-of-the-century shit. I wonder what happened to those mooks in the background. I kind of wish I had gone down to Love Park more often--The Peter Pan bus was only like $25 round trip. Even better, the bus station is right in center city, so it was as if you got dropped like a paratrooper in the middle of an urban skating assault mission! Then again, there were ledges and shit in the city, and BAM was more comfortable in a way.

I try to go skating at least once a week at the park near my job, behind the police station. The last time, the dudes from the local shop were there, filming, including this one dude that was in my fifth grade class TWENTY YEARS AGO. He was like the "new kid" that introduced everyone to shit like skating and the Circle Jerks and shit like that. TWENTY YEARS AGO. How sick is that. This other dude was skating runs the shop and went to the Fully Flared premiere. He proclaimed it to be "the best video ever." I know, I know... everyone always says everything is the "best _____ ever" right when it comes out, and it's hard to compare anything now to Virtual or Snuff or whatever. I think whatever videos came out in your heyday are going to be the best ever for everyone. Or maybe Fully Flared is the best video ever! Whatevs...

All Favred Out.

Someone please remind me why I still watch Sports Reporters.
Fuck--Mike Lupica is so fucking annoying. Along those lines, stopmikelupica.com is the funniest blog title I've seen in a while. killmikelupica would have been better.
Anyway, I guess Bob Ryan said he, as I am, was "all Favred out" and Lupica said "You've got no soul if you're Favred out!"
Sick! I have no soul because I not enamored by an aging gunslinger/swashbuckler! Maybe it's because I didn't grow up watching westerns like all these old sports journalism fucks.

Dear HBO people:

Thank you for showing Cool as Ice at 4:35 AM the other day, so that people like me who feed infants all night could view it. You know, truth be told, Vanilla Ice was not that bad of an MC. He was better, if you consider his mc'ing totally objectively, than a lot of these fucks that are out now that rhyme the last word of every line in a song, or rhyme a word with the same word. Like the song "Cool as Ice" - he doesn't suck at mc'ing. He just gets clowned because his image was goofy as fuck--like the white Hammer or some shit. But you'd do it too. If some record company fuck said you could have all the money, coke, and pussy you wanted if you wore some silly suit and did a silly dance, you'd be all over that shit. The only fake thing he did was claim Miami when he was really from somewhere in Texas. Not the part the Geto Boys are from, I'm sure. So don't hate on Vanilla Ice.
Also, thank you for putting seasons 4 and 5 of The Wire on ON DEMAND. Could I be any more amped for Jan. 6? I'm trying to have an episode on in the background here all the time. One thing I just noticed while watching the beginning of Season 3 is everyone in the whole show uses yellow legal pads for all kinds of shit. Cutty uses one to diagram the failed hit on Marlo people. Carcetti uses them to communicate in that City Council meeting. Stringer uses one as a prop in D'Angelo's trial--that's in episode one though. Some mook takes notes on one in the co-op meeting at the hotel--and hilarity ensues.
"Are you taking notes--on a criminal fucking conspiracy? Gimme that shit!"
Yellow legal pads--for winners.

My pyrex game is beyond reproach!

Check this shit out--my pyrex game is like no other. I unloaded the dishwasher tonight--I think there used to be some green beans in this one, but B. (the 21-month-old) and I ate them all.
I'm pretty sure the one with the Jedi Princess Leia used to contain fried chicken.
I repeat--my pyrex game is sick.

PS. I do not collect Star Wars action figures--my four-year-old does. His grandfather sends him all these obscure ones from the comic books that take place after Jedi. For example, the Jedi Leia is from some "alternate universe" comic book where Leia, rather than Luke, undergoes Jedi training.

tofurkey

Ah, the early 90's--when ads were black-and-white and contained a lot of text, which will become more legible if you click on the image.


ps. nice Limpies stickers [non-sarcastic]

pps. happy Thanksgiving.

The Bill Simmons Theory.

One of the twins just woke up, so I watched like 2 min. of Hustle and Flow while he had a snack and went back to sleep. That movie would be like 10x better if they cut out that soliloquy when the white dude says how hip-hop is just like the blues. That shit seems so condescending--like it was thrown in so old people could be like "hey! this shit is just like music from the SIXTIES!" Like anything that can't be related to the Sixties isn't worth shit. Fuck that shit.
Anyway, the best part of that whole movie is when Terrence Howard kicks that bitch and her kid out of his house.
"Where am I supposed to go?!" she inquires.
"You can go to hell for the fuck all I care."
What an amazing turn of phrase, no?
So, I will be posting a few theories on here. The first one is about Bill Simmons, who has a few theories too. So my first theory is kind if an homage to the pregenitor of pseudo-journalistic theories.
NOTE: the title of this post is kind of a reference to the one cd that everyone in college who wasn't really into hip-hop had in their collection. You know, to prove they weren't a racist and shit. Oddly enough, I find ATCQ mostly unlistenable now. Maybe it's the whole nonviolent/college kid vibe... But anyway...
FUCK - a baby just woke up--gotta go.
OKAY - I'm back. Okay - Simmons. First of all, I gave up trying to acquire a Deadspin commenting account, but unlike many individuals who have one, I don't wish Simmons had died instead of Ralph Wiley. Look, you get what you pay for with this guy--specifically, surruptitious workplace reading. I recall fondly waiting until 12:30 every day, when Page 2 got updated, and cut/pasting a Simmons article into an email or Word document and surruptitiously reading it. REFRESH! REFRESH! REFRESH!! I don't think anyone can call into question the rigor or acumen with which he analyzes the NBA. That being said:
Gambling is not manly, nor is Swingers cool. Horse racing perhaps, in a Buk kind of metaphorical way, but not internet football gambling. This guy moves from Boston to a place where, as he constantly taunts, it's 80 degrees every day. This guy could go snowboarding, surfing, hiking, camping, skateboarding--basically anything. So what does he do? Wakes up and starts watching SUNDAY TICKET at 10 Am. Or worse, goes over to JIMMY KIMMEL's (did you know that Simmons is, like, FRIENDS with JIMMY KIMMEL? a guy on TV!! he's friends with a guy on TV!!) house and later writes in exquisite detail about his home theatre setup.
Hey Simmons--nobody gives a fuck. Which brings me to my next point:
It is also not manly to be startstruck and lose all touch with reality. For example, it is not necessary to go into exquisite detail about how witty Adam Corrolla is in your column. Nor about how personable and/or witty Kimmel is. This is one of the cornerstones of manliness: never dickride another dude. It is okay to be a fan. If I ever met, say, John Petrucci or someone else whose work I admire, the most I would do is say "I appreciate your work." and then shake his hand--firmly of course. That's it!
Nor is it manly to complain--especially about shit like the line being too long at a special advance screening of some movie. That just makes you look like you have lost all touch with us common people. Not to mention--like a bitch.
I will give Simmons credit for another thing: he has apparently been able to suppress his smugness regarding the Patriots' recent domination*. But Garnett a top five Celtic after 5 games?
So what is my theory? Perhaps that the west coast can be one's downfall--if you let it. Kind of like a woman. Like I said a while ago about The Best Ever Did It, be careful out there.

*A quick NFL side note: After the Mon. nite game, i think Steve Young actually criticized a young qb for being too much of a "gunslinger." If I could remember to whom he was referring, and the gentleman happened to be African-American, that would be great material for a Wiley-like discertation. But I can't remember. But anyway, being a gunslinger is only acceptable if one is, you know, like Brett Favre! He just loves the game! Just tossin' the old pigskin around! BAM! LET'S ALL FUCKING WORSHIP BRETT FAVRE!!!

LAKAI PREMIER TONITE!!

I don't know - how does the above event connect to my actual life?
1. Well, today I went "skating" skating for the first time in about seven years. Shockingly, I was able to land a bs nollie heelflip on the bank, and a sketchy noseslide where I landed in a manual. Non-stylish, but give me a fucking break, I haven't gone skating in SEVEN YEARS. I mean, The last time I went skating, I borrowed my girlfriend's dad's jeep and drove to Love Park. Guess who was there? RICK HOWARD! of LAKAI! TRIP THE FUCK OUT!!
2. Another thing--today was Casual Friday, so I wore my Lakais. When I was walking down the hall, some Sixth Grader yelled out "HEY HE'S WEARING LAKAI'S - AWESOME!!" I think I threw a shaka over my shoulder, but I can't remember. That kid is awesome though.
Tonite the four-year-old is sleeping over at the grandparents', so I'm getting psyched for a quiet evening of cleaning up, television entertainment, paying bills, blogging, and resuming the long-term project of ripping all the cd's in my cd collection --the ones I still like anyway. I'm going to watch some film adaptation of one of the John Fante novels that I haven't read. Colin Farrell and Salma Hayek are unlikable, but Bukowski always said Fante was the shit so what the fuck. When did Showtime become so fucking cool? This month they've been showing Factotum and Born Into This non-stop. Matt Dillon killed it as Bukowski. He's got to be the best actor ever, in terms of fucking badass roles:
1. Over the Edge
2. Outsiders
3. Drugstore Cowboy
4. Singles
5. Beautiful Girls
6. Crash
7. and...Buk

Crash and Singles are questionable, but you can't fuck with the other five. Beautiful Girls is to be featured in an upcoming "underrated Nineties movie theatre" post, for sure.
"Models! I like dose chicks!"

Do you know what phrases have been stuck in my mind all day?

1. start with straight shots and then pop bottles
flirt with the hoodrats and then pop bottles
2. WE BOTTLE-POPPIN'...WE BOTTLE POPPIN'...
3. BROWN PAPER BAG!!!! BROWN PAPER BAAAAAAAAG!!!!

Hip-Hop is so fucking stupid now. I mean, I suppose there is decent "indie" hip-hop out there but I don't have time to seek that shit out--I'm not going to Fat Beats every week anymore, if that place is even still around. I do, however, acknowledge that Mannie Fresh is a genius, and has been ever since the first BG record. I don't get this whole thing with champagne though. Isn't it really hard to get drunk on that shit? The whole thing with which alcoholic beverages are "cool" at any given times is so fucking dumb. For example, why Patron? Why not Sauza--a fine tequila, by any measure. And why Goose? Why not Chopin or that other vodka that comes in a three-feet-tall bottle with a painting on it or whatever the fuck?
And "Brown Paper Bag"...it's like they were sitting around a table, saying some shit like:
"Okay, what aspect of selling drugs have we not mentioned yet? Anyone?Fuck, this is hard!!!"
"Um...don't they sell coke out of a brown paper bags?"
"GO WITH THAT!"

UNDERRATED VIDEO PART THEATRE#1: Shiloh Greathouse in Love Child

Way back in the day before the internet, one had to actually interact with human being to see old vids. For example, if you were lucky, there would be some dude in one of your classes in high school that had been skating for a few more years than you. Maybe he would let you borrow some poor quality videotape with a few vids on it -- maybe Barge At Will or that SMA video where Frank Hirata skates to "Dine Alone." Anyway, in the winter of 93/94 this one dude in my Communications Technology class (read: screen printing) let me borrow this tape with--I think this was the lineup--Hokus Pokus, Barge at Will, Da Deal is Dead, and Love Child. Although Jovantae* had the best style, Shiloh's part (here it is --under "videos." I don't know how to do one of those "youtube" links because it's flash-embedded or some shit) was particularly mindblowing. Maybe it was the catchy Three Dog Night tune; maybe it was the esoteric, progressive trick selection. Here's a breakdown of the highlights:
A. Nosebluntslide to pop out on the inside of one of the fountains at the Santa Monica Courthouse: progressive as fuck. Looking at something in a different way. If Mark Gonzalez had pulled this in the blind video everyone would be telling their grandchildren about it.**
B. (I could be wrong here) first ever in the history of the world to film the following: bs nollie 360 hf, shoveit ng shoveit out, sw bigspin flip, and the ender:
C. bs 270 to lipslide, as if it was an afterthought, on the "yeah nigga!" rail.
In conclusion, this part is underrated as fuck.
*Jovantae is like the Bernard King of skating. If you ask anyone who followed the NBA in the early Eighties who the best players ever are, they will almost certainly be like "fuck, before Bernard King got hurt..." and then wistfully stare off into space as they recall his greatness. If you ask anyone who skated from like 90-93 who had the best style, they will most likely say "fuck, Jovantae...best tre flips ever...style style style..."
**Maybe one day I will tackle the topic of Mark Gonzales possibly being overrated, or maybe the side topic of Tom Penny being better than Mark Gonzalez ever was. Not now though. Just remember - Mark Gonzalez could never really do flip tricks. Jason Lee in his prime was probably better and had better style than Mark Gonzales...

first new set-up in 12 years!!!

Actually seven years, but does it really matter? I would have set up the exact same board 14 years ago. The only difference is the low Indy's that hadn't been invented yet. I always wanted Indy's, but they were always too high and weighed too much. According to what scientific measurement, I don't know; that's the kind of scientific mind that inspired me to only use 3 bolts on each truck to make the board lighter.
I decided to go by the local shop (that I worked at for 2 days 2 summers ago), and if they had a board that felt decent, I would get a set-up. This one worked. My goal is to skate for at least half and hour a week, in addition to cruising around the neighborhood or whatever. The shop dude offered to set it up, I replied "I'll do it myself...I haven't set up a board in more than seven years; I'm into the ritual of it." He concurred. On my way out the door, he offered me a razor blade, which I declined.
Truth be told, I had looked forward to setting up the board as much as skating it, if not more so. I fetishized it. This is how it went down:
1. Pressed bearings into wheels using the truck on my old set-up (the one that had been left out in the rain in the backyard countless times)
2. Mounted wheels on trucks
3. gripped board - okay, this is when I have a specific strategy. First, I placed the sheet of grip tape on the board, making sure there was enough extra grip on either side for the incisions. Then, I smoothed the grip out from the center of the board in either direction, taking care to not let any bubbles in there. My technique was still decent enough that I didn't have to do the old popping-griptape-bubbles-with-razor-blade routine. Subsequently, I made four incisions at the curve points of the board--this makes it easier to make the final incisions. Finally, I cut the grip around the nose, tail, and either side.
4. Mounting the trucks was not very complicated because I got "silverados" hardware to distinguish the nose from the tail. This precluded the need for using three bolts on each truck, facing in, to differentiate the nose from the tail, Like so-- :. .:
critical, critical shit.